Many Men: The Remote Controller

Many Men:

The Remote Controller

The Controlling Man>

            There is a thin line between love and control. Does he constantly tell you when and how to do something, and accredits it to being concerned about you? During a girl’s night out, he calls you several times or wants you to call several times to check in, and claims he wants you to be safe? Is your wardrobe selection a reflection of his taste instead of your own because he picks and chooses the clothes he thinks is best for you?

            After a hard day of work (cooking, cleaning and tending to three small children), I often enjoyed a good reading selection such as articles within Essence magazine or a Walter Mosley suspense novel. Once arriving home from a hard day of work (Dollinger Steel or whichever job he was lucky enough to secure that week), Daniel would walk through the door and take a quick glance at me reading my magazine or book. Next he would walk over to me and snatch whatever I’m reading out of my hands. Then in a swift robotic motion, stomp to the garbage can and loudly slam it in.

Every time he came home and saw me reading my favorite selection, he got infuriatingly angry. Automatically, he would proceed to one of three actions: throw the magazine or book into the trash, tear it into pieces or hide it. The method of removal depended on the mood of his mind when he got home from work. Eventually, I stopped reading all together because the daily consequences became too much to bare.

His “rational” reason for not allowing me to read was because I paid more attention to reading then I did to him. The irrational reason was absolutely absurd since the inattentiveness occurred while he was at work. The reality of the real reason he did not want me to read was simple: CONTROL.

              Forbidding me to read was not the only warning sign that he was controlling. New clothes purchased without his prior knowledge and approval resulted in the same fate as the magazines and books. The new clothing ended up in the trash, shredded or removed from my possession. My Posner cosmetics and make- up faced the same destiny: trashed, broken to pieces or stashed away from me. When I returned even a minute later than he allowed from visiting friends or grocery shopping, my face was trashed, ripped and then hidden so no one could see the bruises.

           

Overcoming a relationship based on control requires explicit action steps. A major first step involves the recognition between a controlling and caring relationship. When someone does not include your own viewpoints in decisions about you, that is control. Acknowledge that a relationship of care allows mutual, two- way communication about all decisions.

            Another key move to break away from controlling connections with others consists of Checking Your “self”. A healthy development of self- esteem and self- love provides healthy reinforcement and support necessary to standup to someone who does not value or respect your individuality. A negative self- image opens the door to toxic relationships. Build positive feelings, thoughts and concepts about yourself, your life and your goals.

            According to Andrea Bonior Ph.D, “Preparedness and predictability equal power”. Having someone else push the buttons that control your life is not a pleasant way to wake up every morning. Take back the remote control to your life and determine your own pathways and daily decisions. Have the option to make the decisions that promote your growth and well- being.

Ø  Are you not sure about the warning signs of a controlling relationship?

Visit https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling for more information about the warning signs.

For a one- on- one session providing action steps to overcome controlling relationships, contact GinMan Consulting @ (281)904-6483 or email ginmanconsulting@gmail.com.

Reference:

Bonior, Andrea PhD. (2016). Psychology Today. “7 Steps to Breaking Free of a Controlling Partner”. website. 

Many Men: I Need Love!

Many Men

I Need Love!

The Womanizer>

He is the man who thinks every woman wants him, and he can get any woman he wants. He usually does get who he wants. Ladies there is a price to be paid and sacrifices to be made. he knows how to play the game.

                  It was the summer of 1993. I looked out of my apartment door and there he was. Chocolate brown, big smile and sexy triceps were cruising in a white convertible with the top down. I made an internal note that he would be mines.

                  Within a few months, we had maneuvered our way into each other’s presence. Soon after we started dating, I knew I had met my future husband. He was so smooth. The language he used melted my heart and every piece of my soul.

                  By the next few months, I found out he wasn’t just dating me. The smooth operator had an ex-wife, a girlfriend of 2 years, a soon to be baby mama and a couple of other prospects on standby. I overlooked all of those signs and more because when he was with me, he made me feel like I was The One. The Only One.

                  Then I started looking out of my apartment door again. This time I was looking for answers. Several times I would see a honey brown streak coated in white zoom by. Was that him? He did not even stop by here? I was not surprised to find out that he was wooing another woman who lived in the same apartment complex.

                  One child and 10 years later, I was finally fed up with the womanizer. there are not enough blank pages in any composition book for me to tell the full story of the hurt, pain and embarrassment I endured from the relationship. He had played his cards well. Actually, he played with several decks of cards.

                  There were many lessons learned from those years of being with the chocolate wonder. The regrets are few but the messages are many. Some relationships are like walking on broken glass. You never know how painless the journey can be until you walk through it.

                  Tip #1:

When someone gives you their time, it does not always mean the person is present. Effective communication allows you to know what’s going on in the other person’s mind. Discussing if the other person is really into the relationship with YOU saves years of disappointment down the road. Intimate undivided attention sends miscommunication to the receiver that the relationship is monogamous when in fact it may not be.

                  Tip #2:

Know who you are dating before putting your heart into the relationship. Be an expert about your significant other. Ask about past and present relationship history. Be curious about the other person’s daily activities and lifestyle. Spend more time together outside of the house that you spend the most time in to be aware of what’s really going on.

                  Open your eyes to relationship warning signs. Question any uncertain behaviors. Assess the relationship carefully before committing. Follow through appropriately based on your conclusions.

                  Are you uncertain about the direction of a relationship? Contact ginmanconsulting@gmail.com for guidance.     

  

The Real Ugly Duckling

The Real Ugly Duckling

            I remember a story my mother, Minnie Lee, loved to tell about herself as a child. She would reminisce about when she was a teenager and none of the boys liked her. They would call her “ugly”. In the mist of the story, her face would light up. She would then proudly say, “Now all of the same boys want to get with me. The ugly duckling has turned into a swan.” And I would laugh along with her because she indeed had become a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman who on December 1, 1994 took her own life.

            Today, many of us together can reflect on a loved one who we remember as a beautiful person, who is or was always smiling and happy on the outside, but on the inside a storm is brewing. A person that no one would ever begin to imagine has a mental health challenge because they were always smiling and happy. If you have any familiarity with someone who suffers from a mental illness, you know that while the person may appear happy, the terror of mental instability lingers. This mixture of happiness on the outside and pain on the inside leads me to refer to the person I love who suffered from mental health challenges, my mother, as “The Happiest Depressed Person in the World”. 

            Yes, I am now very familiar with the complexities that a mental health disorder can bring into our lives and the lives of a loved one. I can still visualize looking into the eyes of my mother, Minnie Lee, and see a big smile as she told her somewhat unpleasant account of at one point being and actually all the time living the life of “The Real Ugly Duckling”. She had lived the horror of depression and mental instability all by herself.

            As a child myself, I remember reading the once popular children’s book, The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Anderson. Ironically as I was reading it again over 30 years later, it reflects the characteristics of “The Real Ugly Duckling”. Depression is “The Real Ugly Duckling”. Throughout the book, there are symbolic mental health references of loneliness, suffering, feelings of awkwardness, ridicule, self- condemnation and a need for acceptance. In some odd way, I cannot help but think that my mother, a victim of mental illness, knew that the story of The Ugly Duckling was a true reflection of her life. But even more ironic, Hans Christian Andersen was also believed to suffer from depression.

            My mother always took a bad situation and turn it into an adventure. During my childhood, our utilities would get turned off quite often. I remember one month our lights got turned off for a day or two. Instead of mopping around in a state of hopelessness and complaining about what we do not have, at night that terrible time of darkness turned into fun games of hide and seek. We had so much fun in the dark. Deep down inside, I know the lack of resources for her children caused a lot of internal guilt.   

            Synonymously, in the beginning of The Ugly Duckling, the mother duckling shows undeniable love for her duckling. Even though she knew that something was terribly different about one of her eggs, “she did not worry herself about it much”. And like those who suffer from mental health disorders, the victim will often cover up the suffering in order to appear normal. But deep inside, the suffering is brewing into something that once it surfaces can be detrimental.

Two themes that are prevalent in depression is feelings of hopelessness and lack of support. My mother showed signs of hopelessness by making two suicide attempts and ultimately a completion. Her actions were clear cries for help. If she had the appropriate support available to her, she may have been able to manage her symptoms of depression differently.

A support system is important when trying to overcoming depression. While many people carry unrealistic expectations of what depression looks like, it only takes one person to give the hope and faith needed. It only takes one person to believe and give the needed support to know that there is hope and life is worth living. When the duckling felt hopeless about laying eggs, the old woman was there to offer encouragement. The old woman expressed her faith that the duckling will lay eggs while the cat and the hen expressed relentless feelings of doubt. 

Being surrounded by others who can identify with the same experiences of depressive symptoms offers cathartic relief. Catharsis provides a motivational push to defeating feelings of hopelessness. There is a social- emotional healthiness in sharing the same feelings, thoughts and experiences with someone who can understand. The duckling eventually found hope when surrounded by other ducklings who could identify with him. One miserable day, the duckling raised his wings and stretched beneath the warm sun. And at that very moment, he “saw a flock of the same beautiful birds”. When dealing with depression, support in the form of support groups is beneficial in knowing that loneliness is of the past. Identifying with others who share their stories and sharing personal stories increases hope.

My own personal story of my mother not defeating depression relates to a lack of awareness. Awareness is key. Family and friends can only offer help to those suffering from depression when aware of all the aspects of depression. I know that if my siblings and I were aware of the signs, symptoms and outcomes of depression, we could have attempted to rescue our mother from the self- destruction she experienced alone. I’m not placing blame on anyone but something as simple as the attending psychiatrist making an effort to notify and involve the family in such a dangerous health condition would have been one way to reach a level of awareness. If we had been aware of the seriousness of her condition, we could have been an important part of her prevention plan. If we had been aware that she should not drink alcoholic beverages while taking prescribed psychotropic medications, my siblings and I could have supported her in making wiser decisions about medication compliance. There are so many areas that awareness could prove beneficial for anyone to provide adequate support.

Having these three support factors available offers rescue and escape from symptoms of depression: someone showing belief, identification with others and support systems of family and friends. My mother’s story did not have a happy ending. At the end of The Ugly Duckling, after countless trials and tribulations, the duckling broke free from the stigma of being ugly. In a glorious moment of coming to terms with who he really was, he became known as “the best” one in the flock. The ugly duckling turned into a swan.

In conclusion, how can someone PUSH PASS the stigma and hopelessness of depression?

1. Find refreshment within the spirit, dreams and life

2. Possess hope, self- worth and beauty

3.  Boldly greet support, strength and stamina      

In the end, just as the ugly duckling, someone/ anyone suffering from depression can “[rustle] his feathers and [raise] his slender neck aloft, [and say] with pure joy in his heart, ‘I never dreamed of such peace’”.

                                                                   Minnie Lee
                        

Reference: Andersen, Hans Christian. The Ugly Duckling. New York: Morrow, 1999.